And there came a point, where I start liking somebody. It such a relief to find somebody who you'll be liking after a heartbreak. I mean, it is nice to have a person that you will be concerned with, take care of and get interested in. Again. Someone who makes you happy. But it's not that you got a rebound or something. Of course, not. It happens to everyone. When you just find a person who you can love. Who you can open your heart to once again. It is not like a-walk-in-the-park kind of like. It is not easy. It is not fast. It took me some to realize that I am actually liking this person.
I held back my feelings for this person. I got all the defenses in the world. I did all the iwas-fall moves. And you cant blame me for doing that. Ive been hurt for so many times. Ive assumed things to be in my favor for so many times.. I guess I got the right to be careful this time. The right to have a safety shield to cover my whole heart from being broken again. I guess I become afraid. Terrified to risk and love again. Maybe I just got so much in the past, and I learned from it. And this is the realization and lesson in application. Who would want to be hurt by the same reason all over again?
I've prevented myself from falling, but love is stubborn. You cant say no to it especially when the feelings are strong. You cant keep it for so long. The more you fight it, the worse it's gonna get. And yes, I've fallen in love.. once again. I am just not so sure if the person reciprocates. He's nice. He's sweet in his own ways. I am liking him everyday, actually. It's like I am now looking at a person whom I want to marry. Yes, it was that serious. I am in love with his whole personality, with his whole being. But there is a complication. (In every love story there SHOULD be things to get in the way... walang palya) WE CAN'T BE TOGETHER. Gender-wise at least. I mean, HE is a guy, yes. Biologically. But he likes men too. Yes, he is gay.
So even if I want to assume that we have a thing.. there is still a part of me that says, "Hello Kring?! It's impossible because he likes persons of the same sex.. dont be stupid. You might get hurt." And this is what I put in my mind.. all along. I told you, Im afraid. Im too scared to risk once again. Too scared to assume things. To scared to show and tell how I feel. Because Ive been there once, twice, thrice. Ive been giving my all ever since, and it all ended up to nothing.. to heartbreaks and false assumptions. And I guess I just got tired of the same things happening to me. This time, I want to be certain. I'm waiting for that one person to actually TELL ME how he feels. To actually SAY his thoughts. To ADMIT what he really thinks of me. I just want to be careful. It's not that I do not want to fall.. (Ive already fallen) it's that I just don't want to commit and make myself a fool once again. I dont want to make myself believe in something that isnt there. Or atleast entertain my false hopes and assumptions. It's not that I don't want to feel anything.. I JUST REALLY WANT TO BE SURE. I need an assurance, through words, that this time I got it. That this time, I am not wrong. This time, I get it right. But sad to say, I didnt get any. There was no words to cling to. No words to make me feel secured. I need words because I am tired of assuming.. of getting hurt.
And until now, I still like this person. Nothing has changed. But there's still part of me that wants to know, if there has been a little hope or not? Right now, we're not in speaking terms. So many things have happened between us. I think Ive hurt him a lot. (For some reasons, I still cant understand.) I like him and I dont want to hurt him, but still I did. And I want to know the reasons why. But I cant find ways to know. Maybe it was because of my over-thinking, my jealousy, my paranoia, my insecurities and my uncertainties compiled into one. I want forgiveness. I really want to. And I'm dying to get it. I want us to be together --- or just be okay. At least. I want us to end on a nice note. It pains me that up until now, it feels that there is something not expressed between us. A little courage and bravery, I guess is all we need to overcome this.
For now, all we need is time. Yes, I'm still waiting and hoping that one day.. he'll come to me and say Hi just like the good old days. I miss him a lot. I miss all the happy memories. And if I were to turn back time, I would be willingly wanted to go back and get things right. I still want him in my life. But if there comes a point that he will give up on me, on our friendship, I am left with no choice but do the same. I will let him go. I think Ive already done everything to redeem what we have. And it just makes me feel hopeless. All along I feel Ive been clinging to something that is hopelessly slipping away. And as much as I want to fight for it, I just have to let it go because the other end seems ready for a fight no more. For now, I need a closure. Closure for a new beginning, a fresh start or a closure, by the sense of the word, an ending. It's his call.
Up to this day, Im still hoping we'll find ways to get in touch and talk just like the way we do before. To tease and have fun. To hug him for so long and make him feel the love Ive been keeping for so long. But if this is what he really wants (even if I really dont understand), if this is really a goodbye... I want to let him know that he's been a blessing from day 1. He made me happy. He made me realize that the world has yet good to offer. And I am sorry. Sorry for making his life more complicated. For all the hurtful words I said.
I regret all the things Ive done to hurt you but believe me when I say, I love you, only you.
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